We met online, of course, because where else do people meet these days? I haven’t met anyone in person before Ray since 2011. Meeting in person is weird now, you don’t know what they’re after, there aren’t any clear expectations laid out, for all you know they could be a gun toting trump supporting republican (ie Ray) in an exceedingly handsome façade that makes me almost not even care that there are stuffed goat, bear and deer carcasses decorating his entire house. Ray and I clearly were not meant to be together but damn if it he didn’t surprise me, and the more he surprised me the more I liked him, until I decided it was time to fuck and he vanished after that… ah yes, the thrill of never knowing what you’re gonna get when you don’t have any pre-date clues as to their motive. Its like taking written tests your whole like, you like them because you know how to BS your way through them, then you switch majors and all tests are multiple choice and once you learn how to take those there is no going back, they’re so easy I could know practically nothing about a topic and still pass because I’ve learned the clues and hints and method behind taking them.
I still think about Ray, mainly for how gorgeous he is. And how I wish I could just keep him as my hook up buddy. If only he had just told me what he wanted instead of running away.
Anyway. So I met Joe (on an app duh) and we had some good banter before our first date. He’s smart, we seem to have things in common like our careers and skiing. And he states that he wants a relationship. Notice I said “states” because nothing about his actions support this, but I don’t realize this until after our first date. My only clue on the date was that he kissed me midway through. That’s a yellow flag, not quiet red but definitely take note, he probably just wants to hook up. Before we even went on our first date he had asked me on a second because he was “so sure we’ll get along.” I agreed to it and we set our date for rock climbing for the next weekend. In between that he started to sext me, or at least try to… I called him out on it, asked if he only wanted a hook up but he denies this, yet asks me to come over to his place to study with him. Ugh. Um nope sorry I say, I’m so over this bullshit of trying to find a mate that I don’t even play it cool anymore, and if it comes off that way its because I really don’t give a fuck. I’m blunt. Maybe too candid. Probably so. So the day of our second date rolls around and he calls me, weird but ok, I figure he’s calling to cancel, but no, something even odder, he’s asking if he can bring his buddy. What. THE. Fuck?? He’s just turned this potentially romantic situation into a social one. I’m caught off guard so I say sure. Then I text him to let him know I’m not happy about it, but apparently he had already invited the friend before even asking me. So I told him to go with his friend and we can meet up another time to which he half ass replied “come!” as if he couldnt even muster then energy to say he was excited to see me or something like that; I concluded that he wasn’t even fazed by it. Fuck this guy.
Ugh why did I even get my hopes up, granted they’re not up as high as they used to get but still. That little bit of let down sucks when I’m already down and feeling lonely. Literally all I do is work and go to the gym. I went so hard at the gym this week I can barely move today. I’ll spend 2 hours a night there because I have nothing else in my life. I have no one to come home to, no reason to be home except for louie. So the littlest prospect of hope for a change or someone to spend time with makes me more excited than it should. I know this. And yet knowing and feeling are 2 completely separate entities that I’m working on merging. I’ve improved my wall so that’s progress. The weekends are so boring, I don’t wanna drive 3 hours to a shitty mountain to ski alone and pay for a hotel. But I should. I’m excited for next weekend because I get to waste like 4 hours and $360 for my hair to look strikingly similar to how it does now, but it’s a plan! OK I’m done with my rant, time to go cry for a little, then take some Xanax to pass the fuck out. Life is super, can’t wait to live the rest of it, yay.
55percentattracted 